Tuesday, 1 May 2012

I wish I didn't have asperger Syndrome.

This is a title that someone suggested that I take part in the flash blog on 30th April 2012.   And I purposely decided not to post as part of this why? Well, I actually wish that I did not have Asperger’s / Autism.   Most of the time I am quite happy with having as and All that it may bring, But sometimes, I do actually wish that I didn’t have it and that I was in fact “Normal”

Now I know to some people this is not the right thing to say or admit, but sometimes live isn’t all about being positive and there is nothing wrong with wishing things were different.  And sometimes, like today, I do indeed wish things could be different.

Just like Neurotypical people sometimes wish that things could be difficult in their lives, like they could win the lottery, have a better job, want another child, want to live somewhere else, All people by their nature, wish and day dream what things could be like if they were differen

In work recently parents of a patient I was looking after were told of a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome, and they were told to grieve, why? Because every parent hopes and expects that they will have the perfect healthy child, so to grieve for the loss of their hopes dreams and expectations, the loss of what could have been.  Because now they have to develop new hopes and new dreams and expectations.  A grief for what they never had but for what could have been.  

So therefore as a person with the condition maybe I should also grieve for what could have been, maybe, just maybe I sometimes wish that I didn’t have this because then maybe I could make friends easier, and not be so lonely, maybe I could not be so obsessed by things to the point of distress if things as misplaced, maybe I would have ‘meltdown’ where I can see my world crashing down beside me, maybe I wouldn’t be bullied, BUT then maybe I wouldn’t be me.

And that’s the debate, would I be myself, still the same if I didn’t have Asperger syndrome. Or would I, at least personality wise be a completely different person.  Because of Asperger’s being what it is, it has a great impact on a person’s personality and can in some ways, make them who they are.  Which can also open up the debate? Am I a person with Autism or Am I an Autistic person?

Now don’t get me wrong that as it stands today, I fully accept the condition and all that it brings and yes I am actually quite happy with it and how life has turned out. And openly say that perhaps I wouldn’t be where I am today with the condition as I celebrate the positives and just try to ignore the bad side of things, after all there is nothing I can do to change things and I’m not sure that I would want to.  There is hope for the further and Asperger’s and Autism can be seen as positive thing but the point I’m trying to make through this is, just because we can happy with what live has thrown us, does not mean we can’t wish that things can be different..

I’m going to leave this on a question for you to think about.

If there was a Cure, would you take it?


  1. Hi
    personally i would take it without a doubt. I have a great life, family and am in nurse training (2nd year)i live life to the full. However i have never fitted in and feel i never will. I know people find me odd and i have many accuaintences at uni but no people i have really bonded with cos im just not that great at social stuff. I just find all that so difficult which is strange because i know im good with patients. Its just lonely sometimes and i wish i found the social side of things easier.

  2. Hello, I hope your enjoying your nursing training, which branch are you doing? The last year will fly by before you have time to blink! You have however just summed up what my social live was also like at university, I came out of it with 2 close friend however even then I would debate how close they really are. Good luck with the rest of your training! jsx

  3. Hi Josephine
    Im adult branch, really glad to come across your blog as youve listed the many positives of aspergers in your role as a nurse. It was great to find it at a time when i was at a complete low and wondering if i could really do it. im now ploughing ahead full steam, just doing the last 2 essays and one exam in june then year 2 is done and dusted.
    Hope your jobs going well. Thanks for the good luck :) x

  4. Hello Josephine,
    I am used to myself. so no cure for me. I think of AS in the way of both blessing and curse. I've been a musician my entire life. Then I moved into computing in the mid-1980's and built a career that was quite successful. People with AS often seem to make excellent software testers ~ this is how it was for me, at least. The Social Phobia is difficult and being just a bit clumsy (tripping over my own feet) leaves much to be desired. Yet, I've always been able to dance. It seems as if music removes all clumsiness in me. Being someone who is honest, ethical and loyal.. these are the gifts of AS I'd never want to lose. : ) I don't enjoy being taken for a sucker by NTs, though. This hasn't happened often, but it has been quite traumatic. This is one vulnerability I wish I could overcome.

  5. if there was a cure at the time you were diagnosed with it, would you have taken it, not knowing what you know now? this is a question i've struggled with over the last few years, as a nurse we are taught to the hilt that we treat and 'cure' everything, and where possible everything is, so to think different about AS is intrestesting, for example, bipolar is a personaility altering condition, and we treat that, so why not AS. and if it was 'treatable' would we still have the same talents and skills we process with the condition...
    but its like you have pointed out mohave, its the negative aspects that i wish i didnt have, but wish to keep the positive aspects... thankyou for your comment. jsx