Friday, 15 June 2012
Reality of friendship
Recently I had a bit of a shock into reality. As I’ve previouslydiscussed I have a limited circle of friends... totally a number of 3, howeveri have just realised that this number may actually be only 2, or lower. Why? Wellthe close friend I work with is leaving / left our place of work. So why thismay might not make her a close friend? Well she never told me, didn’t evenmention she was considering it. I found out by being asked to sign a good luck/ sorry you’re leaving card for her. So there we go. Perhaps I had judged thisrelationship wrong and we were not in fact 'close' or indeed 'friends' at all.which has come as a shock, however not nessacarily a complete un expected one,but definitely a sad one.
Over the years my desire to be on my own, play on my own has slowlydeveloped into loneliness. I crave for friendship and social interaction,however something with in me feels like it’s wired differently making theserelationships unachievable, or impossible to understand, and thereforeimpossible to maintain however hard I try.
When I hit my teenage years I had two friends at high school. howeverthey were best friends with each other and often left me feeling like a gooseberry,it felt to me, like they were putting up with me because they felt sorry forme, and didn’t actually want me as a friend. This was apparent because they wouldn’tinvite me to places or not tell me about things and make excuses when I foundout. If they didn’t want me there, therefore it got to the stage where I nolonger wanted to go as I hated the feeling of being somewhere I wasn’t wanted.
But anyway, that was then and this is now. I do honestly try in friendships.Although I sometimes got remember to ask things that come naturally to aneurotypical person. Such as house the new house... etc. as to be honestsometimes I’m honestly not interested, so why would I ask... but I do try andask anyway, as that’s what I friend would do... but then I get worried that I’masking the wrong thing or that it’ll come across in the wrong way so sometimes Ican be deadly quite even though I really want to talk to you about it. Forexample someone was recently off ill from work. Now I really wanted to text andask them if they were ok but at the same time didn’t want to pry where it wouldbe unwelcome and risk getting a backlash from it.
but anyway, once more I should have perhaps got the message that thingswere exactly all cosy, after all we hadn’t been out with each other outsidework for a while despite me inviting them / asking several time's to various eventsand occasional and I wasn’t invited to their house warming, so perhaps thesigns were there, I just didn’t read them.
At this point of explaining all this, people sometimes go, oh well it’stheir loss and who wants friends like that? however unfortunately its very muchmy loss, very much so indeed.